Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
