Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
