i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Cover your peen. We're going out.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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