After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
