When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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