Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
