When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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