i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
