She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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