I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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