Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
