totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
