Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
