there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
