please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
