wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
