This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
