Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
