you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
