Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
