last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
