he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
