she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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