I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
