Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
