I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
