After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
