Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
