Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
