I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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