Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
