***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
