I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
