Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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