Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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