apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
