My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
