Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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