WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
