i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
