Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
do herpes really smell.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
