I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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