what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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