The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
