I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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