I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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