she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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