I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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