Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
