there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
