She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
