Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
