Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
