i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
